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Struggling Christian, I Feel You

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By A.M.


Lord, I’m not afraid of Your refining fire. It’s what I need. I’m scared. I’m ashamed. But I desire it. I’m so tired, Lord—feeling You far away, fearing I’m displeasing You every day, worried and convinced there are things unsettled, matters that need to be resolved. I bring everything to You. I bring myself. Not proud—bare and open. Your will, not mine, Lord. Burn all that hinders, deters, distracts, destroys, defiles. Consume them, Lord, if that’s what will bring me closer to You.


I’m a no one, a nothing. Before You, I will reclaim who I am and be able to reach who I need to be. Father, I only ask You to be with me—to show Yourself, to accept me once more, to lend me Your fellowship and friendship.


Years of living on this earth have taught me nothing, brought me nothing. I’ve only found more things that draw my heart and mind far from You. I’m tired, Lord. Exhausted. Frustrated.



I need You. I have always needed You. I never lost sight of that. But it’s been difficult to have a singular focus and mindset to pursue You. Help me, Father. Help me pursue You and desire You more than food and drink, as I used to.


I’m sure David longed for the time when all he fussed about was sheep. He was out in the fields day in and day out, spending time with You, discovering You. Those days of hours spent in Your Word are years away—time long gone.


What do I have ahead of me? This will be just a blink of an eye. But even though what remains is only a blip, I want it to be a happy blip, Lord. Come. Fill me with Your Spirit. Speak to me, over me. Let me hear, and let my heart feel Your promptings.



Accept me at Your altar today, Lord. Do away with my notions and preconceived ideas of who I am and who You are. Take me—it’s not much. Mold it, chisel it, strip it, burn it until nothing stops me from knowing Your mind and heart, till I feel You near, till I see Your hand leading me, till I am empowered once more, till I discover You and rediscover You, till I see You as You deserve to be seen and understood.


You in me, Lord, and I in You—nothing else will do it for me. For I know that’s the only way I can live my remaining days in joy and peace of mind, unfettered.


Forgive in me all that offends You. Strengthen me so that I don’t do those things anymore. Help me, Lord, as I desire to please You again—honor, glorify, worship, and try my utmost to love You the way You deserve to be loved and regarded.



Cleanse and purify me. Burn me holy. Reveal to me the kind of living sacrifice You designed me to be.


Oh Holy Spirit, come and refresh me once more. Pray for me. Enlighten me. Keep me company. Teach me.


Still the struggling heart. Quiet the doubting mind. Stop me from self-managing my spiritual life. Reign over me. Do it today. Do it now. Lord, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere until You heal me and restore me.


I used to be afraid of surrender and sacrifice. I didn’t know what those words meant. Now, with many years behind me, I understand those are my salvation. In surrender and sacrifice, I find You, and You free me. You carry me. You go before me, and You go for me.



To surrender, to yield myself as a sacrifice—it’s not about me being brave, or strong, or selfless, or righteous, or supremely mature. It’s me being selfish and scared. It’s me being weak and ignorant. Because I know, on my own, I can’t do this. I have no choice but You.


In a world that has a lot to offer, more and more I realize what it means that I only ever needed You. And no achievement, no possession, no relationship will taste truly satisfying unless I understand that first.


Oh my God, if the end result is absolute heaven—the understanding and confidence that it’s always been You, my all, and You in all—then do Your work, Refiner, and my heart will forever thank and praise You.





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